


How it Started

by Rini2012



Series: Come Back To Me [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, HYDRA file dump, HYDRA leak, M/M, News coverage, Nick Fury is actually cool, Post-Battle of New York (Marvel), Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve and Bucky were married, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Is a Good Bro, coming out/getting outed, heartbroken Steve Rogers, married before the war, some are snippets, trans!Steve Rogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 05:24:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21174149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rini2012/pseuds/Rini2012
Summary: Everything leading up to the main story of Bucky's recovery.This isn’t my best writing, but it’s enough to get everything sorted out.





	1. Post Captain America The First Avenger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's reaction to SHIELD knowing his secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: suicidal ideation and mention of suicide attempt

Steve sat in the car - _ van _ \- as he was driven to a location. On either side of him, there were armed soldiers, and across from him, a man who had identified himself as Nick Fury and his second in command Agent Hill. Clearly Fury was a veteran himself from his eyepatch and stance. Also a very good spy, according to Agent Hill. Steve was just thankful that they kept his dog tags and ring on him, but he had been in different clothes. That meant that someone had seen what was underneath. They hadn’t even bound down his breasts in that fake scenario.

“Your secret’s safe, Captain.” Fury said.

Steve looked up in skepticism. “How many people know? You changed my clothes, your people had to have seen.”

“Howard Stark went to his grave saying you were a good _ man _. Agent Carter and the Howling Commandos made sure that no one saw your previous records. As far as the world is concerned, you were born Steven Grant Rogers.”

“That didn’t answer my question. You still found me, so how many know?”

“We made sure to have them sign NDAs.” Agent Hill said. “The people who know are us, the team who found you, and the team that put you in the simulation. Your birth name and marital status has been classified.”

Steve was happy that no one knew about his gender, but upset that no one knew he married Bucky. He would have expected someone to figure it out at some point just by how they acted together. And the worst part: he didn’t die in the crash. That was the goal, because he couldn’t go on without Bucky.

Fury pulled something out of his pocket, and Steve immediately recognized it. Fury handed it to him, and Steve held it like it was an artifact that could break at any moment. It was the compass Bucky gave him, and when Steve opened it, there was Bucky’s picture. It was the photo taken of him at basic training, to keep all the recruits on file. Steve just wished he had a photo of him smiling, or him with Steve.

“Why did you classify it?” Steve asked as he shut the compass. “Someone is bound to figure it out if I’m on a long mission.”

“Captain, I’m good at keeping secrets, it’s how I became the man I am today. Some of them I deem necessary to reveal, others hidden for good, and on occasion warp them to mislead the enemy. Yours is your own. It’s not our place to out you like that, that is your decision to make.”

After his debriefing and introductions at SHIELD, he was shown to a temporary room to gather himself. As soon as the door closed and he was sure no one was listening, Steve broke. He fell onto his knees and cried, holding the compass to his chest like Bucky was really there.

“I’m sorry, Buck.” Steve whispered. “I tried… but I couldn’t die. I’m so sorry.”

What he didn’t know was that there were now security cameras that recorded everything, including that room.

***

“You were watching me?” Steve snarled. “You put cameras in that room to watch me?”

“Actually, the cameras are placed throughout the building. That’s one of the features of high tech security systems in this century.”

Steve was absolutely _ livid _ and he’d only been been there for three days. He’d been called into Fury’s office and not told why he needed to be there. He figured that maybe the room was secure, so they needed a private place to talk, but they just informed him that because he was crying about not dying, he needed a psych evaluation. Was there no such thing as privacy in this century? They said they beat fascists, and yet this happened.

“Captain, we had a theory that your mental health wouldn’t be stable after you became conscious. And I don’t regret watching you because we need you mentally well enough to not try to kill yourself on missions.”

“So because you found me I’m your property now?”

“I would do the same if I thought another agent was experiencing PTSD during the day.”

“PTSD?”

“What you would refer to as Shell Shock, but it’s actually a very serious condition spawned from traumatic events. We wanted to give you an evaluation anyway because you’ll need help adjusting to this new century. This only confirms that you need it more than we thought.”

“Well I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer to not have a lobotomy or shock therapy.”

“Both of those are outdated practices that were proven to be harmful rather than helpful. We don’t use methods like that anymore when dealing with mental health. We have therapy sessions where you talk with your therapist, medications, and suicide watch, which you are officially under. Until your new therapist reports that you are no longer a danger to yourself, you will be monitored 24/7, considering you admitted that the crash was a suicide attempt. This is something that is used for civilians as well, not just SHIELD agents.”

Steve wanted to smash something or scream in Fury’s face or just walk away from SHIELD altogether. He was glad that shock therapy and lobotomies were no longer valid, but being monitored every second of the day was insane. What if it didn’t even work? What then? Steve took a deep breath and stood up straight and knew he couldn’t win this fight.

“Is that all, Director?”

“You’re dismissed, and I expect you to go straight to your quarters.”

Steve nodded, and when he was halfway out of the office, Fury said,

“And Captain, there's something waiting for you in your room. Consider it an upgrade for your 21st century wardrobe.”

When Steve got to his room, there was a box on the middle of his bed. Steve didn’t move for a minute, and with this century being so crazy, maybe it would do something like show a film reel, or “video”. Just to be safe he took off his shoe and tossed it onto the box. Nothing happened. He carefully approached the box and opened it.

Inside there was a note that read _ ‘Better than bandages and a stuffed sock. You’ll thank me later. -Fury’ _ Steve looked at the contents of the box and there was a white tank top made out of one of those modern fabrics (strangely with a SHIELD logo) but it had extra padding in the chest, and a pair of underwear that, upon further inspection, had an artificial bulge in the front. When he inspected the bulge, there was a plastic replica of an actual penis in it. Steve looked around for cameras, and saw one in the far corner.

“I hope you enjoy watching me naked.” He said to it with a scowl.

He unbuttoned his blue shirt in front of his mirror, and laid it over his desk chair. He looked at himself, a bit of bruising around the bandages wrapped over his breasts. He wasn’t sure how a wife beater was supposed to flatten him, but this century had lots of things that surprised him. He unwrapped his breasts, where he felt immediate relief and a bit more air entering his lungs.

Then he took off the other shoe, his slacks, the sock in his boxers, and the boxers themselves. He’d never really worried about changing his sexual organs because they weren’t obvious, but his breasts just looked ridiculous on his new body. They were like tiny bags pushing out where pecks should be. But now wasn’t the time to dwell over what he couldn’t change, it was time to see what exactly the new clothing did.

First he put on the underwear, which was a weird mix of briefs and boxers. He put them on, put in the weird penis thing, and his eyes widened when he looked in the mirror. It looked like he had an actual penis underneath the underwear, and even more so when he turned to the side. He had a moment where his mind tricked him, and he had to touch the bulge in order to see if it was real. Of course, it wasn’t, but it was still mind-boggling.

It made Steve rush to get the undershirt on. It was actually very tight, which felt so strange and pushed his breasts down. He had to do a bit of adjusting to be comfortable, and he looked in the mirror again. He almost cried just from the image being reflected in front of him.

He looked… like a normal guy. He turned to the side, and he had a bulky male profile all the way down. For once in his life, he felt like his body matched who he was inside.

Ok, maybe the 21st century wasn’t all that bad.


	2. Post Battle of New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is a good friend, and enlightens Steve on what the world is like for people like him.

Whenever Steve couldn’t sleep, he went to the training room in Stark Tower to work out his anger. He was living at the tower until SHIELD could set up housing for him in DC. Tony had made some sparring robots and punching bags that were ‘super-soldier proof,’ and it helped him keep from doing something drastic when he was sad. His therapist approved at least.

As usual, he was beating the punching bag to a pulp at two in the morning, testing out his full torso binder, when he heard someone enter the room. He thought maybe it was Clint or Natasha, but surprisingly it was Tony, who looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days.

“Rough night?” Steve asked.

Tony shrugged. “Legal documents are not my forte. Though I wouldn’t be opposed to rehiring Natasha again as my legal advisor.”

Steve chuckled. “Probably over your own dead body.”

He picked up his water bottle and started to take a drink, but what Tony said next absolutely floored him.

“I know that’s not a regular tank-top, Cap.”

Steve coughed his drink up and took some rasping breaths. How did Tony know that!?

“In fact, I know _ technically _ your legal last name is Barnes, what exactly the serum changed, who you were before-.”

“Don’t.” Steve said with a death glare.

Tony visibly became a bit frightened and held his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “Relax, I’m not here to judge. I’m actually here to help… and that help included me looking over all of the legal stuff I did for the past two days.”

Steve chugged down half of his water and went back to the punching bag with a scowl on his face. Every time someone said they wanted to ‘help’ in that area, they meant a psych evaluation or praying to God that he’d change. He didn’t need that again, especially not from one of his teammates.

“I don’t need your help.” He said as he started wailing on the punching bag. “I’m not crazy, I know who I am.”

“I didn’t say that. Did you hear me say that? Because I’m pretty sure none of that came out of my mouth.” Tony sat down on the weight bench, in clear view of Steve. “Things have changed in the last 70 years, Cap. The LGBT community is more accepted now, and there are laws to protect people like you. Granted they’re crappy, but they’re still there.”

Steve stopped punching and looked at Tony, confused. “LG what?”

“LGBT. I guess back then it woulda been called… being queer? People don’t exactly use that term anymore because it’s an insult, but you and your husband are part of the LGBT community.”

“And what exactly does that stand for?”

“Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender. Technically it’s a really fucking long acronym, but everyone uses the first four because it’s easier. And I’m guessing you at least fall under the T in the acronym since you were born one gender, but identify as the other.”

Steve… didn’t know what to say. They never had a name for what he and Bucky were, apart from queer or the usual insults you heard on the street back then. They’d barely ever heard about if there were others like Steve, apart from a Danish girl who got surgery. Now that there was a label… it actually made Steve feel a bit better.

“So if anyone found out,” Steve said as he unwrapped his hands. “I wouldn’t get in trouble with the law?”

“Only in certain countries, but not here. Granted there are still transphobic assholes who ignore the fact that there’s a genuine disorder attached to being trans, but now there are laws in place deeming violent actions or harassment of groups of people as hate crimes, which are punishable with jail time.” Tony smiled. “Not that you’d have to worry about some assholes jumping you in an alley. You could probably throw them out of said alley with lots of broken bones.”

Steve sat down on the bench next to Tony. “Could I change my name?”

“Steve, you can change your birth certificate to identify you as male nowadays. You’d legally be Steve Rogers.”

Steve held the chain around his neck where his dog tags and wedding ring hung. He felt like he’d be disrespecting Bucky if he didn’t take his last name again. It wasn’t right.

“I’d rather be Steve Barnes than Steve Rogers.”

Tony sighed. “I talked to Fury about that. He thinks that because you only recently came out of the ice, it wouldn’t be wise to announce to the world that you’re trans. Not only that, but that you were married to James Barnes before the war. It’d be too much too soon, especially since you don’t know a lot about how the world views people like you and your late husband.”

“But that doesn’t make sense. Unless it’s still illegal to marry a man when you’re a man, I want to keep that name.”

“On a federal level, still illegal. On a state level, it varies, however New York is one of the states where it’s legal.” Tony paused, and Steve looked up at him. His face looked somber and sympathetic. “I get loving someone so much it hurts. I feel that way all the time when I’m with Pepper. But like it or not, you’re a national icon and even I grew up thinking you were… a cis guy. Which means you identify as the gender you were born as.

“My dad never shut up about how great of a man you were, Peggy Carter and the Commandos made sure to keep everything a secret, so multiple generations and lots of historians believe you weren’t out of the ordinary at all. You’ll have to take this slowly, and I know it sucks, but you can come out eventually, just not right now. And trust me, I know how that feels.”

Confusion seemed to be a recurring emotion Steve was feeling throughout this conversation.

“How do you know?”

Tony shrugged. “I fall under the B in the acronym, and had to wait until I was safely at MIT before I explored it. Howard was… a product of his time, which included all of the intolerance against gay people added to how shitty of a father he was on his own. You can probably guess how it went when a photo was leaked of me and another male student kissing in my last year of college.”

Steve never thought Howard was intolerant of queer people. Howard knew about Steve and Bucky, would even ask Bucky or Steve on occasion ‘how’s your husband?’, what had happened between then and Tony’s birth to make him intolerant?

“I don’t really know why he would be like that. He was never disgusted by me and Bucky in the time I knew him.”

“He could have rationalized it in his head about your… nether regions being female, so it was okay that you married a man.” Tony stood up and stretched. “Come to my workshop when I’m conscious next. We can go over all of the things you can do as a trans person in the 21st century.”

“Thanks, I will.”

***

As it turned out, there were quite a few things Steve could do due to his ‘gender dysphoria’, which was now an actual mental health condition. Apparently Steve didn’t need hormone replacement therapy because the serum upped his testosterone, it was normal for his clitoris to enlarge when aroused because of the testosterone, and there were surgeries to get rid of certain things. He’d just have to pick some doctors who’d be able to work fast enough to get around the healing factor.

And he decided to take Tony’s advice on changing his name to Steven Grant Rogers.


	3. The HYDRA files

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick snippet about Steve's files being released to the public.

“Steve, they have your birth certificate and marriage license on file. Are you sure you want to do this?” Natasha asked.

He knew he’d be outed by releasing all of the information. It wasn’t that he wanted that, but he was thinking of coming out anyway now that he was more educated on LGBT culture. Pepper had prepped him about all of the things he’d have to do once he came out, so he’d do exactly as she said.

“This is more important than my files. I don’t care if this is how I’m outed, do it.”

  
***

**Rachel Maddow 2 weeks later**

_ “... within the released documents, something unexpected was revealed about our very own Captain America. One of the documents which had been classified to the highest degree was his birth certificate, which states him as female and with the name Sherry Grace Rogers. Not only that, but there is a marriage certificate for him dated back to 1940 stating his husband as Sergeant James Barnes, who served with him in the Howling Commandos and was his friend since childhood. _

_ “So this means that Captain Rogers may not have been born a man like we were lead to believe and was also married to Sergeant Barnes. It also explains why he was determined to take Sergeant Barnes into his custody. As of yesterday, a judge ruled that until Sergeant Barnes, previously known as the Winter Soldier, is able to function as a member of society and his mind cleared of HYDRA tampering, he’ll be in the custody of his husband and the Avengers. _

_ “Captain Rogers wasn’t the only one who was experimented on during World War II. As it turns out Sergeant Barnes was experimented on the first time he was a Prisoner of War with the HYDRA version of the super soldier serum, and after his assumed death in New York, he was taken by HYDRA and brainwashed into becoming the Winter Soldier. His different missions have been linked to numerous deaths, including Howard and Mariah Stark’s, who were the parents of Tony Stark… Captain Rogers’ second in command.” _

Rachel Maddow paused.

_ “So what does this mean for Captain Rogers and the Avengers? As of now neither have made a statement on the matter. It is possible and possibly surprising to some of you that Captain Rogers may be transgender. Which means that he was born a female but identifies as male, and it does not necessarily require medical intervention. However, if this is the case for Captain Rogers, it’s almost certain that medical intervention was involved.” _

  
  



End file.
